Wrestling in the penalty box and fashion on the touchline

Watching the QPR v Stoke game today (second half only, I have got a life you know), I was staggered by the leeway offered by referee Martin Atkinson to players defending corners. Ryan Shawcross was picked out by the commentary team as the worst offender, but everyone was guilty.
I've seen drunks being bundled into police vans on a Saturday night under less physical restraint than was being applied to the attacking team. Shawcross was certainly guilty of the worst example. Had the player he was marking scored, the Stoke defender was so firmly attached, he'd have got a piggy back round the ground for the goal celebration. Referees need to apply the rules wherever an incident occurs on the pitch. Right now a shirt tug on the halfway line can be a yellow card, in the box it's ignored. Am I missing something?
For those who say, if you gave a penalty for it, there'd be dozens every week, that would only happen in week one, after that, even footballers would cotton on.

Also a word of advice for Sam Allardyce, apart from congratulations on three points of course. It's the suit Sam, why bother? Even if you wear a three thousand pound Armani job, it still looks like you are wearing a tracksuit. Why not save yourself the cash and pop down to JD Sports? 

Lineker speaks out about FIFA corruption

Hats off to Gary Lineker for his attack on Sepp Blatter and his FIFA cronies. I've commented here in the past about the fact that many of their decisions appear to be explicable only if a large wad of cash changed hands. This is the BBC coverage of Lineker's comments - BBC

England's World Cup failure. Maybe we weren't hungry enough.

    It's often cited as the reason for England's failure at major tournaments, a team full of pampered prima donnas who get paid a fortune regardless of the result.

Maybe they aren't hungry enough. 
Well that's an accusation you can't level at Luis Suarez and look what happened to him!

    England delivered three dull. lacklustre, unimaginative performances and questions are being asked as to whether there should be a further reorganisation of the game, whether more resources need to be applied to youth development and whether the number of foreigners in the English game is causing the malaise.
    Qualifiers from England's group were Costa Rica (population less than five million) and Uruguay (population around three and half million - a shade more than Wales). When you see stats like that it's hard not to believe that the problem goes deeper. It's years since I saw a truly passionate and committed performance from an England team. You'd probably have to go back to when Bobby Robson was manager.
   Yet again a tournament has passed with little to smile about from the England team. This time the crowd was better value with particular credit to the fan who delivered the excellent parody of the much copied Mastercard advert. His banner read"

Cost of flights  £1,200
Enjoying the ambience £2,000
Accommodation £2,000

Arriving in Rio after eliminaton (sic.) - Priceless 

Unveiled - Tottenham first team for 2014/15

Having trawled through the authoritative coverage of Tottenham's close season transfer plans, I can exclusively reveal the likely line up for the club's first game of the new season.
Every one of these players has been cited as a high priority for new boss Mauricio Pochettino, it's on the internet so it must be true.

Tim Krul
Marcello
Toby Aldlerweireld
Dejan Lovren
Ashley Cole
Adam Lalana
Eric Dier
Esteban Cambiasso
Memphis Depay
Romelu Lukaku
Wilfired Bony

No, I hadn't heard of all of them either.
I'm guessing Spurs may sign one, two at the most. Reading about transfer rumours is, without doubt, a total waste of time... if somehow compulsive.

World Cup football with the sound turned down

Thirty minutes into the Croatia Mexico game I've had turn the volume to zero. I'm past 50, I like a glass of wine and I'm not hitting the gym as often as I used to. My heart won't cope with any more of this stuff. Do commentators think before they speak?

Sample 1. Modric is clattered from behind by an opponent. It's an aerial duel and the Mexican just closes his eyes and catches the Croat on the back of the head with his forehead. Whilst this is an everyday occurrence on the streets of Glasgow, it should not be encouraged on the football field. It's a headbutt, plain and simple.  Co-commentator Danny Murphy explained that there was no malice, the challenge was mistimed, so no action should be taken. Had the same thing happened on the ground, resulting in a player being tripped, a foul would be given. Can someone explain the discrepancy? Or is this further evidence that footballers value their feet over their brains?

Sample 2. Mexican player Herrera strikes the crossbar with a superb shot. The commentator explains that the stats will not show this as being "on target," a practice that he just does not understand. Allow me to explain in simple terms. The wooden structure that supports the net is NOT the target - it is the net that they need to aim for. The records will reflect that a shot that hits the crossbar is of no more value to a team than one that hits the corner flag.

Until commentators grasp this simple principle and until their colleagues can distinguish between a fair challenge and assault, the world cup will continue to be watched in silence.

A new novel with a football theme - A Matter of Life and Death

     My latest novel is set in a run down seaside town, where the local football club is battling to retain its Premier League status. I hope you will take a look.
 
A Matter of Life and Death - a summary

    In April 1981, ex-Liverpool manager Bill Shankly was interviewed by Shelley Rodhe on Granada TV. Alongside him in the studio was former Prime Minister Harold Wilson. Shankly told the audience, “Somebody said: 'Football's a matter of life and death to you.’ I said, 'Listen it's more important than that.’”

     Coldharbour Town has climbed from the lower divisions of English football, finally reaching the Premier League under the careful stewardship of local businessman, Jack Enright. After just one season, it’s clear that even survival will require more cash than Enright is willing, or able to commit. Russian billionaire, Dimitri Koloschenko sees ownership of a football club as a means of establishing himself in the London social scene. Within weeks of buying out the reluctant Enright, his commitment is tested by the realities of owning a struggling football club.
     As Coldharbour Town fights to retain its place in the top flight, a clinical killer starts to terrorise the community. Maggie Davenport leads a police investigation that appears to flounder at every turn, the local paper; under editor Toby Thomas, revels in the story of Britain’s latest serial killer and Adam Buckley is dubbed Coldharbour Town’s saviour and the “new Gareth Bale.”
In a town that appears to be in terminal decline, the priority should be to catch a murderer. It is after all, a matter of life and death. But some things are more important than that.

It's available as a paperback or a kindle e-book on Amazon for just £2.98. Click HERE.

France victorious on the pitch and in the studio - BBC looking rusty.

     France cruised to a routine victory over Honduras at the weekend and now seem likely to make the second round with some ease. No sooner had the commentator informed us that Wilson Palacios had rarely played ninety minutes for Stoke City this season, than a bizarre challenge on Paul Pogba ensured he carried that record into the World Cup. Red card, game over.
     English viewers got to see the game on the BBC, which rarely covers live football these days. It showed. Thierry Henry and Clarence Seedorf were worthy panellists, both have a sackful of medals and their contribution to the debate was insightful and intelligent. Alongside them was... Robbie Savage. Did someone else call in sick just before the game started and Robbie happened to be passing the studio? There can be no other explanation for his presence. In a grim parody of his playing career he was, once again, outclassed and outwitted by those around him.
     Invited to explain how Honduras could cope with the attacking flair of the French, Savage reminded Henry how the clubs he'd played for had sought to contain the Frenchman and his Arsenal colleagues. The Welshman suggested that his brand of physical football could work just as well for Honduras as it had back then. Henry looked bemused, then I'm guessing he ran through in his mind the goals he scored when Savage was an opponent before delivering a superb coup de grace.
     "We coped," he said. France were one nil up before the teams had even taken to the pitch.
Savage once famously suggested that he was a better player than Graeme Souness. I doubt even his mum would support him on that one. Credit to the BBC for getting two top panellists but Savage? I don't think so.
     Gold medal for stupidity, however, goes to commentator Jonathan Pearce for his diatribe about the failures of the goal line technology system. Listening to him again yesterday, he is still convinced the system malfunctioned during the game. He claimed that it showed two contradictory results for the same incident. A child of four could see that there were two separate decisions to be made. The ball hit the post and rebounded along the line, the system correctly showed - "no goal," - then the ball hit the keeper and crossed the line, the system correctly showed - "goal." No issue, no problem but Pearce's failure to look and think means that there probably are a few viewers out there that think the system is flawed.
     Anyone know what John Motson's doing these days?
     

FIFA - a den of vipers?

There's some excellent stuff in the Economist magazine of June 4, relating to FIFA's handling of the World Cup. The main theme, unsurprisingly is the selection of Qatar as host for the 2022 finals. The Sunday Times has already produced some convincing evidence that the process was rigged and that large amounts of cash changed hands. The Economist is careful not to accuse Sepp Blatter of being corrupt, but the phraseology is such that they aren't ruling it out either.
There's no doubt that the choice of a country where summer temperatures routinely hit the high 40s, is extraordinary - and now a switch to a winter competition is being contemplated. The Times has followed up its earlier revelations with an accusation that of all the countries that applied to host the 2022 competition, only Qatar was deemed to have a high risk of a terror attack.
I've written elsewhere in my blog that I believe the introduction of goal line technology is another bizarre initiative. Why introduce new technology that solves only one of the many problems officials have in decision making when there is a ready made solution in the form of a TV replay? There are plenty of people who believe it's simply because the bidding process provided an opportunity for decision makers to get their noses in the trough, as competing providers sought to sway the decision in their direction.
I have no idea if that is true or not, but if FIFA wants to reverse the widely held assumption that it is corrupt, it needs to stop making decisions that look as though they could only have been made for all the wrong reasons.  

My filthy habit

I don’t know what happened to me doc. I just tried one or two to start with, I thought I could handle it. All my mates were doing the same thing and it didn’t seem to be doing them any harm, but now I’m hooked. It’s the first thing I think about in the morning and I have to have one final fix before I go to sleep at night. Any chance I get during the day too, I’ll sneak away into a quite corner and…

Drugs? Don’t be daft. I’m talking about the transfer rumours, handily summarised and sorted by club on News.co.uk. I just can’t stop myself clicking on those seductive little links that will tell me what the latest gossip is about my favourite team. It’s a sordid relationship and I’m not proud of it. Maybe telling you will be cathartic and I can kick the habit.

What really gets me is the vast majority is such unadulterated crap. The printed press makes up stuff to fill its pages and aspiring sports journos (please God, tell me they don’t get paid for the dross they write) recycle it as though it had been handed down on tablets of stone from heaven. Every club in the Premier League is rumoured to have a couple of dozen players each as their number one priority in every transfer window, and any player close to the end of their contract, or whose had limited game time recently will be chucked into the mix and matched with a club name seemingly picked at random.

The language is clichéd and repetitive. I guess there are only so many times you can say that a team is “considering an approach.” First they “eye” a player, then they “monitor” the situation, then they “plot a shock swoop.” The other team is reported to have suffered a “massive blow” that another club might want their man or, if said player has failed to impress in recent months, they have the chance to “cash in on a flop.” I’ve been checking the Microsoft web-site, there has to be a wizard you can use in Word that generates this sort of tosh automatically. Just key in a player name and the team rumoured to be interested and it will automatically produce a hundred and fifty words of unsubstantiated drivel.

So why can’t I stop my fixation? I guess that’s the beauty of football, even with the World Cup coming up there has to be something that fills the void left when there is no game at the weekend for your favourite team. It’s a poor substitute but it’s all we’ve got.

The good news is that I’ve acquired a partial immunity. Those sites that insist in presenting their message as a bullet point list, “the five players that…” or “five things that…” then deliver a slide show where you have to click to get the next page. It gets their page click count up, but it does nothing for me. Unless it’s a superbly written piece, and that’s happened maybe twice, I close the link and move on. Maybe it’s the first step in finding a complete cure. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to… well… you know.

Real Bag the Welshman

I wrote this last summer at the height of the media frenzy about Gareth Bale's rumoured move to Real Madrid. That transfer did happen but, at the time, there were hundreds of other stories about transfers that would  never happen.  This is just a gentle dig at the dozens of bloggers who recycle unfounded rumours in the desperate hope you will click on their page:

Real Bag the Welshman by Toby Thomas

Spurs hopes of securing Champions League football next year are in tatters this morning as the inevitable transfer of Gareth Bale to Real Madrid entered its final phase. This blog has kept its readers close to the heart of the action ever since it was clear that the deal could go through any day. Our first report appeared over three years ago. 

Last week we exclusively revealed the transfer has been in the making virtually since the day Bale was born. Some would say it is the Spurs superstar’s fate to play for the Spanish club. In late May we delivered an exclusive interview with Mfanwy Morgan, a near neighbor of the Bale family when he was a child. She told us how the young prodigy was frequently seen playing street football wearing a crisp white t-shirt, an obvious tribute to the club whose colours he will now wear at the Bernebeau and an indication of the dream that he has held close to his heart since he was a toddler [Editor’s note – check what colour Spurs play in before this goes out]. Mrs Morgan also revealed that the family once took a summer holiday in the Spanish seaside resort of Marbella, just 600 kilometres down the road from Madrid, a clear sign that the young footballer’s heart has long been set on a move to the  club.

Only two days ago we reported on detailed research undertaken on our behalf by a team from Oxford University. Using a NASA super computer and a team of expert linguists they were able to reveal that “Gareth Bale Welshman” is in fact an anagram of “Real Bag the Welshman”. This is a transfer that has clearly been written in the stars.

The evidence for the deal is mounting by the day. Last month, Jonathan Barnett, Bale’s agent was seen buying a bottle of Ambre Solaire Factor 25 sun screen in Boots in Oxford Street then hailing a cab which was seen turning west in the direction of Heathrow airport. It was clear to anyone witnessing these events that Barnett was on his way to the Spanish capital to agree terms with Real’s president.

The final clue fell into place only yesterday when Bale was reportedly seen eating a ham sandwich, which experts suggest could easily have been made from Spanish Serrano ham. This has been interpreted as a slap in the face for Tottenham’s Jewish owners and a coded plea to the Spanish giants to complete this long overdue transfer.

A key figure in this imminent deal is obviously Daniel Levy, the chairman of Tottenham. Levy has built a reputation as a hard negotiator who has previously dug his heels in when clubs have bid for his players. Sources close to Tottenham say that Levy was able to rebuff, at least temporarily, the demands of Dimitar Berbatov and Luka Modric for good reason. Apart from the fact that both players were “bloody foreigners”, Berbatov had a silly haircut and wore an Alice band, whilst Modric is short and “a bit funny looking.” Neither player could connect with Levy’s sentimental soul. Bale is another matter. Despite tying the Welshman to a four year contract only last summer on vastly improved terms, Levy is believed to have been touched by the terrible predicament his young goalscorer is in. Insiders tell us that Levy was close to tears when Bale pointed to Madrid on a map of Spain, turned to his chairman and said, “Oh please Mr Levy. Pretty please.” Levy is now unlikely to deny the childhood dream of the young player. He is also said to have been amazed by Bale’s intellect. He is, say sources close to the Spurs chairman the first British footballer who could accurately pick out a foreign capital on a map.

This blog prides itself on its accuracy and integrity. Last month we correctly reported that Andre Villas Boas was rumoured to be heading for Paris St Germain, only days later we were also quick to identify the speculation that he would be leaving to join Barcelona. We have also been spot on with our revelations that David Villa was rumoured to be coming to Spurs and that Gonzalo Higuain was reported to be about to sign for Arsenal. So when you read here that Gareth Bale is said to be about to join real Madrid you can be absolutely certain that people are saying that’s true. When the transfer does go through as now it surely must, you will read about that here too, within a few days or a week at the most.

Toby Thomas

Toby Thomas is a freelance football correspondent who is really desperate to get paid for writing this sort of crap. He first became interested in writing about sport when he discovered he had a congenital defect which meant he could not throw, catch, run or use a racquet or bat of any sort.  Toby lives with his Mum and hopes that soon he will get a girlfriend. For now he divides his time between claiming benefits, copying stuff from other wannabe journalists and just making things up. If you have any comments on his incisive reporting, he hopes they are nice because he has experienced a lot of rejection in his life and just wants to be one of the lads.

Disclaimer:

If there is a writer out there called Toby Thomas he has my sincere apologies. This is not directed at any one blogger in particular, it is intended as a swipe at all those wannabe journalists who are responsible for the torrent of sports related garbage that appears daily on the internet.

Spurs fans rooting for an Arsenal cup win? ... It's possible

"Thursday night, Channel 5." That was the goading chant of West Ham fans, after their unlikely victory at White Hart Lane earlier this season. For many, the Europa League is an unwelcome distraction from the Premier League, for others it's an opportunity to see Spurs play teams like Benfica in a competition they may, one day, have a realistic chance of winning. Is there really such a huge difference between Thursday night and Sunday afternoon (the Europa League schedule), and  Wednesday night and Saturday afternoon, the timing for many of the much coveted Champions League fixtures?
If you are one of those Spurs fans who are keen to see your team in the Europa League next year, then you may be confronted with a nightmare dilemma before the season is over. As Manchester United lurched from one tepid performance to another, sixth place seemed to be assured at the very least. If United can deliver the anticipated "new manager bounce," in the wake of Moyes' departure - even with a stand-in in charge, then that is far from guaranteed. United can catch Spurs if the London club fail to get seven points from their last three games.
If Arsenal finish fourth, the three Europa League places would then go to the teams in fifth and sixth places, plus Hull City as losing cup finalists.
If Everton pip Arsenal to the fourth Champion's League place, and United finish sixth there is only one way for Spurs to secure their place in the Europa League. Arsenal must beat Hull in the Cup Final.

So Spurs fans, if United do snatch sixth place, then you need Everton to get fourth and Arsenal to win the FA Cup. Or would you prefer to skip the Europa League next year?

If it was a boxing match they'd stop it.

I'll happily part with fifty quid to watch my favourite team. Loads of goal mouth action, end to end stuff, finely honed athletes giving their all to get three precious points for their team. But you have to wait for the end for the real spectacle, that bit when the team that's winning takes the ball into the corner and uses two players to stop the other side getting near it. Do they practice that in training? "Come on Wayne, you need to stick your butt out a bit further, then they'll never get the ball back."

TV's co-commentator will purr with contentment, lauding his fellow pro for his professionalism. The fans will be split, those that are praying for the final whistle and those that are wondering what they paid all that money for. One team has decided that it does not want to play football any more, they just want to quit with what they've got. I hate it when opponents do it, I hate it when my own team does it.

Referees are supposed to stop the clock for time wasting but this particular tactic is deemed acceptable. Imagine a boxer whose ahead on points, so he starts running round the ring so his opponent can't lay a glove on him. You'd want your money back.

When two boxers stop trying to make a match of it, they call the bout off. I'm not asking for the same sanction in this case, but when a team decides it doesn't want to play any more there has to be something the referee can do. Until the ball has moved ten yards from the corner flag, it's not really back in play, the rules should reflect that.   

Goal Line Technology - what a difference you have made.

Maybe it was Lampard's disallowed goal against Germany that tipped the balance but suddenly the biggest issue in the game was how to answer the question, "did the ball cross the line?

This year every club in the Premier League installed the technology and another few quid went on your ticket price to pay for it all. I don't know about you but I can't think of a single occasion when it has made any difference whatsoever. They'll tell you that the referee consulted Hawkeye on the first day of the season, to confirm whether Fabian Delph's shot crossed the line against Arsenal. There was not a single soul in the ground or watching on TV who thought it was a goal but it must  have been fun to try out the new toy. Richard Scudamore, Premier League Chief Executive says, "The most important thing in football is a goal - was it scored or wasn't it," I can't trace a single quote about some of the other questions that a referee might want answered, like:

• was the forward onside or offside when he put the ball in the net?
• when the player went down in the box, did he dive or was he pushed?
• was that deliberate handball?
• was the keeper impeded when he went for that corner?

Most games seem to have at least one highly controversial decision, some have many. The solution is simple and readily available. Give each team two challenges per game on a restricted number of issues, and allow the fourth official thirty seconds to review the TV replays. It would add to the drama in the ground and it would eliminate a huge number of incorrect decisions. Critics say that it would slow the game down. Not as much as having a gaggle of angry players surrounding the referee to make their case about how they've just been robbed.

Had the authorities opted for video replays, they would have had to come to an arrangement with the TV companies that have bought the rights to the games. It might have slightly changed the dynamic of the relationship between the two parties. By choosing goal line technology, those in charge of our game had some juicy contracts to hand out and a whole bunch of hopeful companies desperate to be an approved supplier. That couldn't have been a factor in their decision though... that would be immoral.    

The rule that's killing the game - Double Jeopardy

You can see the logic:
The ball is played in behind the back four and a nippy forward is onto it in a flash. The centre-back is never going to catch him, so he makes a despairing grab at his opponent's shirt and brings him down. A goal scoring opportunity is lost and the supporters of the attacking team are outraged. A free kick thirty yards from goal is no compensation for the loss of a free run at the keeper. So the bureaucrats who make the rules came up with the idea of giving the defender a red card. He won't do that again.

The problem arises when the offence takes place inside the penalty area. We've seen countless game recently when the result of a match has been put beyond doubt by the application of this rule. Spurs seemed unlikely to overturn their one goal deficit to Manchester City in January. The sending off of Danny Rose ended any doubt. City scored from the spot and Rose's card was rescinded when it became clear that he'd made a good tackle. Little comfort for either him or the Spurs fans whose day out was ruined by an excessively harsh rule. Their chances were slim with eleven men, zero with ten. Similarly Wojciech Szczęsny was dismissed for a clumsy challenge on Arjen Robben in Arsenal's UCL tie against Bayern. There was little intent, the forward was just too quick for him, but the challenge could not go unpunished. Current rules demand that he was shown a red card. Again, game over.

We pay too much to watch football for games to be decided on a single incident. It's time to make the punishment for the crime. Rule makers need to understand that sanctions applied by the referee ought to deter foul play, it is not enough to dream up what is all too often an inappropriate punishment.
Football is slow to learn from other sports, a theme I intend to explore more in later blog posts, but the answer to the question could be lifted straight from Rugby Union and the concept of the penalty try. 

If a defender denies a clear goalscoring opportunity, the referee should award a goal. The defender would only receive a card if the severity of his challenge would have merited one anywhere else on the pitch.

It's a simple idea, it's an appropriate punishment and it might very well deter defenders from committing the offence in the first place.  In the game at the Emirates, Arsenal would still have been one down but they would have had eleven players to attempt to close the deficit.  Spurs and Danny Rose would still have had a goal given against them unjustly, that issue requires a separate solution of which more in a later blog, but they'd still have had eleven men on the field.

Should we carry on with the compulsory red card or take a lead from Rugby Union? Please let me know what you think.