Real Bag the Welshman

I wrote this last summer at the height of the media frenzy about Gareth Bale's rumoured move to Real Madrid. That transfer did happen but, at the time, there were hundreds of other stories about transfers that would  never happen.  This is just a gentle dig at the dozens of bloggers who recycle unfounded rumours in the desperate hope you will click on their page:

Real Bag the Welshman by Toby Thomas

Spurs hopes of securing Champions League football next year are in tatters this morning as the inevitable transfer of Gareth Bale to Real Madrid entered its final phase. This blog has kept its readers close to the heart of the action ever since it was clear that the deal could go through any day. Our first report appeared over three years ago. 

Last week we exclusively revealed the transfer has been in the making virtually since the day Bale was born. Some would say it is the Spurs superstar’s fate to play for the Spanish club. In late May we delivered an exclusive interview with Mfanwy Morgan, a near neighbor of the Bale family when he was a child. She told us how the young prodigy was frequently seen playing street football wearing a crisp white t-shirt, an obvious tribute to the club whose colours he will now wear at the Bernebeau and an indication of the dream that he has held close to his heart since he was a toddler [Editor’s note – check what colour Spurs play in before this goes out]. Mrs Morgan also revealed that the family once took a summer holiday in the Spanish seaside resort of Marbella, just 600 kilometres down the road from Madrid, a clear sign that the young footballer’s heart has long been set on a move to the  club.

Only two days ago we reported on detailed research undertaken on our behalf by a team from Oxford University. Using a NASA super computer and a team of expert linguists they were able to reveal that “Gareth Bale Welshman” is in fact an anagram of “Real Bag the Welshman”. This is a transfer that has clearly been written in the stars.

The evidence for the deal is mounting by the day. Last month, Jonathan Barnett, Bale’s agent was seen buying a bottle of Ambre Solaire Factor 25 sun screen in Boots in Oxford Street then hailing a cab which was seen turning west in the direction of Heathrow airport. It was clear to anyone witnessing these events that Barnett was on his way to the Spanish capital to agree terms with Real’s president.

The final clue fell into place only yesterday when Bale was reportedly seen eating a ham sandwich, which experts suggest could easily have been made from Spanish Serrano ham. This has been interpreted as a slap in the face for Tottenham’s Jewish owners and a coded plea to the Spanish giants to complete this long overdue transfer.

A key figure in this imminent deal is obviously Daniel Levy, the chairman of Tottenham. Levy has built a reputation as a hard negotiator who has previously dug his heels in when clubs have bid for his players. Sources close to Tottenham say that Levy was able to rebuff, at least temporarily, the demands of Dimitar Berbatov and Luka Modric for good reason. Apart from the fact that both players were “bloody foreigners”, Berbatov had a silly haircut and wore an Alice band, whilst Modric is short and “a bit funny looking.” Neither player could connect with Levy’s sentimental soul. Bale is another matter. Despite tying the Welshman to a four year contract only last summer on vastly improved terms, Levy is believed to have been touched by the terrible predicament his young goalscorer is in. Insiders tell us that Levy was close to tears when Bale pointed to Madrid on a map of Spain, turned to his chairman and said, “Oh please Mr Levy. Pretty please.” Levy is now unlikely to deny the childhood dream of the young player. He is also said to have been amazed by Bale’s intellect. He is, say sources close to the Spurs chairman the first British footballer who could accurately pick out a foreign capital on a map.

This blog prides itself on its accuracy and integrity. Last month we correctly reported that Andre Villas Boas was rumoured to be heading for Paris St Germain, only days later we were also quick to identify the speculation that he would be leaving to join Barcelona. We have also been spot on with our revelations that David Villa was rumoured to be coming to Spurs and that Gonzalo Higuain was reported to be about to sign for Arsenal. So when you read here that Gareth Bale is said to be about to join real Madrid you can be absolutely certain that people are saying that’s true. When the transfer does go through as now it surely must, you will read about that here too, within a few days or a week at the most.

Toby Thomas

Toby Thomas is a freelance football correspondent who is really desperate to get paid for writing this sort of crap. He first became interested in writing about sport when he discovered he had a congenital defect which meant he could not throw, catch, run or use a racquet or bat of any sort.  Toby lives with his Mum and hopes that soon he will get a girlfriend. For now he divides his time between claiming benefits, copying stuff from other wannabe journalists and just making things up. If you have any comments on his incisive reporting, he hopes they are nice because he has experienced a lot of rejection in his life and just wants to be one of the lads.

Disclaimer:

If there is a writer out there called Toby Thomas he has my sincere apologies. This is not directed at any one blogger in particular, it is intended as a swipe at all those wannabe journalists who are responsible for the torrent of sports related garbage that appears daily on the internet.